Seeking Guardianship
During the early years of childhood and high school, there are a lot of support resources for parents through participation in support groups and school supports, as children grow into adults, topics like seeking guardianship and conservatorship may come up. Things can change when your child leaves the safety of the school environment. The demands on your child are more intense, and you may be left trying to navigate all of the changes on your own. It’s an exhausting job that can be lonely. It seems like there is much support and that people are much less open about what they are experiencing. We are doing it on our own.
Some of the big issues that you might be facing are housing, jobs, education, your child’s social relationships and activities, and mental health concerns. We want the best for the children we love and do everything that we can to give them the best parts of us. There is often grief involved in this stage of life. Grief, it seems is a recurring theme that comes up during times of change and loss. As we watch our teens and young adults struggle with the transition to adulthood, we are left asking how we can help; what resources are available; what can we DO? In some cases, therapy and social skills classes (if you’re into that) are the answer. We make appointments, talk about the challenges, and work our way through to the other side. But if you are reading this, this is not why you are here. You have tried, and this wasn’t enough.
When Transition Fails
When my son graduated from high school, we sent him off to live in the dorms, thinking that he was at that functional level. In short, he was not, and we had him live at home with us for several years. This led to a series of very difficult decisions. Our son is kind and has a big heart. But he paced the house day and night, often wandering outside in the middle of the night. He left the door open, and the cats and dogs got out almost every night. His frustration tolerance was low, and it was nothing for him to shove his sister out of a chair in order to sit where she was sitting. There were angry outburst which eventually could be quelled, but he left his trash all over the house and hard to live with.
His success was in school. As long as he was registered and I bought his books, he made it to class and did well. Ultimately, he graduated with a BA with support and a lot of help.
But my son didn’t take the leap from college graduate to living independently. He had a job to make meets end, but it was complicated by misunderstandings with co-workers and supervisors due to changing rules on the job, and his struggle to understand social rules and read social cues. We were on a first name basis with his boss. It became all-consuming. Our friends and family offered little in the way of suggestions, but were often long in the tooth about where we had gone wrong. Professionals, similarly, provided minimal direction. Most are trained to work with children, not adults.
As a family, we made the choice opt for seeking guardianship, to ensure our son’s safety, his ability to make appointments and communicate with medical providers, and to be involved in housing decisions. This was an extremely challenging time, fraught with self-doubt and an honest look at what our son’s life might look like in the future if we could not get these services in place for him. For us, it came down to his functional level, and the likelihood that he would need services in the future that we could not provide.
In addition, as much as we would have loved to have our son live with us, we knew that there would come a time where we could no longer care of him. In the meantime, we wanted him to have the best services possible to help him grow into a more independent adult. This is something that we could only accomplish through seeking guardianship. Our son was simply not in a position to make many of these life choices for himself.
Seeking guardianship is a personal thing. None of us want to interfere with our child’s ability to be independent and care for themselves, and hope runs eternal. Maybe he can’t take care of his finances, make regular rent payments, survive at college now, but … some day? How will you make that some day happen? We can give our children as much of ourselves as possible, but at what cost? Do we lose our jobs? Our marriages? Our friendships? Do we lose ourselves?
For the longest time, I was resistant to getting help or even considering the idea of seeking guardianship. He is, after all, my SON. I raised him. I love him. Only, I, as his mother, can know what’s best for him. I told myself that, while I worked tirelessly to help him become more independent, to the exclusion of my friendships, and despite the fact that my marriage showed signs of cracking. But then there were the difficulties like making medical decisions, which stood in my way. My son, who communicates by looking at his phone during a doctor’s appointment, could not tell them what was wrong. I wasn’t allowed in for visits because he was an adult. I certainly couldn’t communicate with my son’s healthcare provider in his absence. Diagnoses were missed, prescriptions were not picked up, follow-up appointments were not made. And I didn’t know anything about it.
When it came to housing, I did everything I could to keep my son living independently in an apartment. I cleaned, I brought groceries, I did laundry, and I paid his rent when he was short. He was living in his apartment, but he wasn’t independent, and he didn’t have the skills to get there. I tried to teach him how to make an appointment to get his hair cut, Venmo his rent, how to buy shoes, or clothes in his size, but he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. We went over his budget weekly, talked about finding common interests with his peers … I even took him out places where he could meet others and stood on the sidelines. None of this worked. How could, someone who works with autistic adults for a living, who teaches social skills to parents of autistic young adults and teens, have this struggle in my own life?
I tried everything and I wasn’t good enough. I felt I had failed. But my son didn’t want to learn skills from me or take him to social get-togethers. He wanted help to do this himself. After all, at the end of the day, I’m Mom. Not a caregiver. Mom. And that’s how he wanted it.
Obtaining guardianship was probably the hardest thing I’ve done as a mother. I had to stand up in front of my son and say that he was not competent to care for himself. I came with supporting documentation from neuropsychologists, therapists, and doctors. As traumatic as it was for me, my son didn’t flinch. With his IQ of 135, he didn’t understand what was happening, and that was a blessing to me.
It’s been 10 years since I sought out guardianship of my son. I give him as much independence as I possibly can. He is happy that I can attend doctor’s appointments with him and can get answers to medical questions or order prescription refills when necessary. Most importantly, this path allowed me to get County Services for my son, who could never have navigated the process alone. It allows for me to attend all social worker and case manager meetings and fill out all paperwork. He has insurance, and is in a good living situation with skilled services to help him in areas of his life where he needs it. He is happy there, and honestly, he has come farther than I ever thought possible. He works full-time, pays his own bills, and gets the help he needs that I as Mom just could not give to him. Now, I listen to him talk about his newest video game or problem at work, and I can step back and just be that person for him that he needs. I get to be mom.
If you are looking to obtain guardianship of your child, I suggest starting before the age of 17 because it is easier. Planning for guardianship can take up to 6 months, but the guardianship is enacted when your child turns 18. I recommend looking into a specialized attorney for plans on how to approach guardianship. At that time, you may also want to consider filing for conservatorship, which allows you to help pay bills and manage your child’s financial affairs.
When Should I Consider Guardianship?
If your adult needs help making legal decisions.
If your adult needs help making financial decisions or with financial management.
To make determinations about living situations: Does you adult seem that they may need additional supports included assisted living apartments, group homes, or group foster care? This may be difficult to think about at first, but allowing them to live in a situation where they can be with others and are taught skills may be preferable to playing on the computer in the basement all day.
Do you have to make decisions about where they will go to school? Maybe you would like your child to attend Minnesota Independence College and Community.
LawInfo keeps a detailed list of attorneys in Minnesota that handle guardianships and conservatorships.
Maybe, you’re in the contemplative stages, and you just aren’t there yet. It’s okay to be where you are and feel how you feel. When the suggestion was first made to me to get my child specialized housing, I stopped talking to that person. True Story. That’s where I was. Eventually, I researched it. There is quality care to be found. My son lives in his own apartment and receives a certain hours of skilled workers/day. He works full-time, drives a car, goes on outings with his roommates, and benefits from the therapeutic milieu that he lives in. He is thriving in ways that I could only have hoped for.
If you are need of support as a caregiver, reach out for a free consultation for help.
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